Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You Might Also Like
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
How wrong was this guy?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”