Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
me and the Superbowl rn
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain