always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Whoa 😂
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Oddly specific
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?