“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.