@MsLisaM

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

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@WilliamRodgers

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

@AbrasiveGhost

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

@LizHackett

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

@JanelSantaCruz

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

@LadyBroseph

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

@MindyFurano

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

@badbanana

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

@egg_dog

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

@Jaysmemoir

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!