So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!