@MsLisaM
@WilliamRodgers So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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@WilliamRodgers 
@AbrasiveGhost INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
@LizHackett [gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
@JanelSantaCruz “What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
@LadyBroseph *sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
@MindyFurano Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
@badbanana Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
@ShutUpThatsWho [opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
@egg_dog [death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
@Jaysmemoir My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!