@elon_degeneres

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

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@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

@Home_Halfway

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

@chillandwoke

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

@3_livi

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

@Stap_Jr

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

@Cain_Unable

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

@Jandalize

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

@a_simpl_man

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

@jifrulz

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.