am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
crying
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Very good! 👍😂
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans