Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.