Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.