Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
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[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”