Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
twitter is a journey
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
what the
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*