am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
You Might Also Like
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Leonardo DiCaprisun
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
not to brag, but mine was free
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”