Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…