“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still