AM I BEING GASLIT????
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.