Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.