am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance