Am I having a stroke?
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Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
😩😩😩
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
incredible
😂😂
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*