Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?


so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO


Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke


Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.


Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.


Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.


*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation


[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics


Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!


I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.