Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all


COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang


wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
me: Why?


*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract


HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling


[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”


My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.


If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.


Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.