Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.