Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?


I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence


[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *


I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.


6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.


If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.


kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can


I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.


Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.