Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
This made me smile…
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
somebody come look at this
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
🛁
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.