Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
You Might Also Like
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.