Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first