am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
do u think theres a butter planet?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.