Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
How do you like your Corgi?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.