Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
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My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.