Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood


I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!


Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.


*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope


HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president



Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same


I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.


“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”


Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !