Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Does this dress make me look cat?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Sign of the day..
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I hope it’s French Onion!