Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
i smell a pulitzer
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea