“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
#inspiration #foodforthought
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.