Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school