Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

I have obtained a hat

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup