Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
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Every damn time
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.