Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?


Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?


Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons


Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.


ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop


My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.


me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that


*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.


A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW