Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

S M O L

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school