@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@freedomtosee

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

@marcusthetoken

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

@CarpentersCrack

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

@AdamBroud

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

@chrisscarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

@ClarkSpringheel

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@HotBitHoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign