Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Wednesday
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.