*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.