@Lovestained555

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

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@ColoradoCrow

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

@thepunningman

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

@MavenofHonor

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

@Shade510

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

@Social_Mime

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

@QwertyJones3

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

@topaz_kell

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.