That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
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ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.