amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
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I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Going to church you guys need anything
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes