Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper