@bridger_w

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

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@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

@GringoBrulee

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

@TheCiscoKidder

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

@joeljeffrey

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

@XplodingUnicorn

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

@bewgtweets

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?