Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You Might Also Like
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
When you don’t understand how floors work