Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
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his wife is probably gonna see that
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”