Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Sounds like a bargain
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore