Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle