amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
So we got a goldfish…
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler