Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
lmfao come on
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.