Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

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*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid


Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster


Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name


Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that


My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.