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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Labreador
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
This woman is my idol. Free her.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose