AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.