[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
🤔😂😂
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?