Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”