Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
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*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?