Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
You Might Also Like
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening