Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
An odd boast
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
“you changed” bro i was 15
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}