Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
You Might Also Like
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark