@schumoo

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

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@justabloodygame

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

@iwearaonesie

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

@WheelTod

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

@DustinAHarkins

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

@Playing_Dad

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

@QueenVofCoffee

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice