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me: *types* the bathroom one
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
some things should go without saying
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.