Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.