Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.